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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Padres Game Sunned Out

SAN DIEGO—Following a two and half hour delay for heavy sunshine Monday, umpire Charlie Reliford canceled the game between the Padres and Diamondbacks at Petco Park when a deluge of direct rays from the sun made it impossible for players to take the field. "We waited for awhile to see if the conditions would improve, but the light was really glaring out there," Reliford said. "It was so bright out that you couldn't even see the ball. It looked like we might luck out for a bit there, but it started shining hard and pretty soon the whole field was drenched with sun." Although the MLB has yet to reschedule the game, officials said that they would try to schedule it sometime after southern California's sunny season.

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