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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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Padres Grounds Crew Dims Stadium's Lights For Romantic Night Game

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reignite the fading passion between the Padres and Dodgers, the Petco Park grounds crew set the mood for a romantic night game Tuesday by dimming the stadium's lights, arranging rose petals along the baselines, and softly playing Al Green's I'm Still In Love With You over the speakers. "Everything is just so lovely," said Padres center fielder Tony Gwynn, Jr., admiring the glow of 4,000 slow-burning candles atop the outfield wall as he sipped from a champagne flute and took practice swings in the on-deck circle. "It's nice to turn off the JumboTron for once and spend some quality time together. The red silk draped over the dugout really adds to the ambience and the bowl of potpourri totally eliminates the stale crotch smell in there." Umpires later ejected Casey Blake when the Dodgers third baseman charged the mound and attempted to stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry into pitcher Jon Garland's mouth.

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