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Padres Thought Everyone Who Missed Playoffs Was Supposed To Tear Down Stadium

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Padres Thought Everyone Who Missed Playoffs Was Supposed To Tear Down Stadium

SAN DIEGO—Befuddled San Diego Padres lead owner Jeff Moorad explained Monday that he was under the assumption that every team failing to make the playoffs ripped apart its stadium and rebuilt a new one for next year. "Wait, isn't that the rule?" Moorad, flanked by the entire Padres roster, told reporters just after detonating the 20,000 sticks of dynamite required to reduce 6-year-old Petco Park to rubble. "You're kidding me— We're the only team who blew up our stadium? What about Baltimore? No? Shit." Despite the powerful explosion that destroyed everything within a 3,500-foot radius of the blast, Tony Gwynn's commemorative statue just outside the ballpark remained completely intact.

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