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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Padres Thought Everyone Who Missed Playoffs Was Supposed To Tear Down Stadium

SAN DIEGO—Befuddled San Diego Padres lead owner Jeff Moorad explained Monday that he was under the assumption that every team failing to make the playoffs ripped apart its stadium and rebuilt a new one for next year. "Wait, isn't that the rule?" Moorad, flanked by the entire Padres roster, told reporters just after detonating the 20,000 sticks of dynamite required to reduce 6-year-old Petco Park to rubble. "You're kidding me— We're the only team who blew up our stadium? What about Baltimore? No? Shit." Despite the powerful explosion that destroyed everything within a 3,500-foot radius of the blast, Tony Gwynn's commemorative statue just outside the ballpark remained completely intact.

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