Pain To Reach New Levels

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pain To Reach New Levels

WASHINGTON, DC—Though already extremely painful, the physical sensation of pain will become markedly greater in the coming months, continuing to rise exponentially throughout 1997, sources say.

According to a recent report released by the U.S. Department of Agony and Suffering, even levels of pain currently considered unbearable will seem mild compared to the beyond-excruciating jolts of pain soon to be endured by Americans throughout the nation.

"Greater pain than ever is on the way," said Erno Broussard, Department of Agony and Suffering spokesperson. "Say, for example, you accidentally step on a thumbtack. In the past, that would have hurt enough to make you hop around the room smarting for several seconds, swearing at the top of your lungs. But under the new, higher pain levels, such an injury will result in a white-hot, blinding sensation of explosive force ripping through your entire body for several hours, as if you were being slowly shredded alive by the multiple razor-arms of murderous, cybernetic death-drones."

"A simple, everyday tension headache," Broussard continued, "will be like having a blunt railroad spike sledge-hammered into your forehead by a drooling, ham-fisted, idiot man-child while your wife and children are shot through the back of the neck gangland execution-style as you watch helplessly."

"A full-blown case of hemorrhoidal flare-up," Broussard noted, "will feel like a 30-megaton thermonuclear device is being detonated deep within your rectal region."

The pharmaceutical industry is mobilizing rapidly in response to the new pain levels, creating substantially more potent over-the-counter painkillers such as SuperMegaBufferin and UltraHyperMaxiMidol. The new drugs will sell for $800-900 a bottle and will be "capable of sedating a team of oxen for several weeks."

Many experts feel that such painkillers, however potent they may be, will ultimately prove ineffective.

"How could any drug possibly fight such pain?" said Pat Curtis of the National Pain Institute. "After all, we're talking about levels of pain where scraping your elbow will feel like a concussion shrapnel grenade is being set off in the center of your brain, causing your eyeballs to feel like they're melting in their sockets while your internal organs rupture into a liquefied state, bursting wetly from every orifice."

According to Pain Institute co-director Barry Eckerd, even non-painful sensations like slipping into a set of silk sheets will be akin to "having all of one's flesh sandpapered directly from the surface areas of the body that are touching the material."

Likewise, hugging a teddy bear, wiping one's closed eyes with a moistened towelette, and smelling fresh bread will evoke being quartered by red-hot iron battle-axes; having your face eaten by rats; and firing an explosive-tipped rocket dart into your sinus cavities, respectively.

Eckerd went on to point out that even listening to him speak, under the new pain levels, would cause any sane man to tear the faces of screaming puppies with his teeth.

"I wish we could say there was something we could all do to prepare for all this," noted pain therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "Some have suggested using the body's own natural endorphins to create a 'neural-block' of the brain's sensory receptors, or some other such thing. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that's simply impossible. There just isn't any hope of deliverance, for any of us. A nightmarish hellscape of unrelenting, endless agony awaits us all in the very near future."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close