Pain To Reach New Levels

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Vol 31 Issue 01

Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers

WASHINGTON, DC—Kwanzaa officials received sobering news Monday, as the Department of Commerce announced that Kwanzaa holiday sales for the U.S. totalled $178. The figure represents the lowest total since 1992, the year the holiday was invented. At Abe's Kwanzaa Emporium in Los Angeles, rows of unsold Kwanzaa trees were thrown out, while rolls of Kwanzaa-themed wrapping paper gathered dust in giant bins. Even A&M Records' much-hyped holiday CD, A Bryan Adams Kwanzaa, fared poorly, selling just three copies.

Area Pie Hole Shut

TEMPE, AZ—A local pie hole was definitively shut Saturday. After droning on incessantly about matters witnesses say were trivial and "more than just a little" annoying, the pie hole was forcefully instructed by a loud-mouthed neighbor to be shut. Plans to re-open the pie hole are being withheld until it needs more pie.

Oakland Teacher Mistakenly Teaches 'Economics'

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to abide by the Oakland Public Schools' new "ebonics" instruction regulations, one area teacher mistakenly began teaching the subject of "economics" to her 11th-grade class Monday. Suzanne Byrne, a 13-year teaching veteran, badly confused students when she attempted to explain to them such complex economic principles as stagflation, Keynesian incrementalism, and the invisible hand of laissez-faire capitalism. School superintendent Melvin Washington was outraged upon learning of Byrne's actions, saying: "The voodoo she was teaching involved numbers and complex calculations, which no high-school student can reasonably be expected to understand." Washington insisted that instruction be limited to the study of ebonics, or—in the school's new higher-level Sanford and Son-themed curriculum—the study of "Lamontics," which helps young people better understand Lamont Sanford.

Budget Talks Dreadlocked

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton cited "a profound lack of irie vibrations" as the main reason budget talks became dreadlocked this week. Congress and the President had been in negotiations since last October, but according to House officials, a common ground could not be reached due to "a lack of positive riddims." "If only Ras Tafari were still with us," Rep. Glen Browder (D-AL) said. "He would have given us the wisdom to cut back on porkbarrel legislation and get the budget passed." Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) added: "Hopefully, we can reach some sort of bipartisan compromise and get this natty dreadlock resolved. Praise Jah." After talks stalled again Monday, legislators tabled negotiations until next week, using the recess to get high.

Unambitious Terrorists Overturn Trash Can

JERUSALEM—The Bedouin Free Army, described by State Department officials as an unambitious offshoot of the PLO, is claiming responsibility for Sunday's overturning of a garbage can near the Western Wall. According to reports, the group intended to bring attention to what they called a "serious lack of pens" in Bedouin Army encampments near the Gaza Strip. Israeli officials had ignored the group's most serious act prior to Sunday, the 1995 slamming down of a phone receiver "really hard," according to State Department files. No one was hurt in the trash can incident, though several pieces of crumpled paper, three falafel balls and a shoe were badly scattered.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?

1996 Was The Year Of The Celebrity!

What a crazy year it was! So many big names made news in 1996, it will certainly go down as The Year Of The Celebrity. With that in mind, let's look back into Jackie Harvey's crystal ball...
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Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Pain To Reach New Levels

WASHINGTON, DC—Though already extremely painful, the physical sensation of pain will become markedly greater in the coming months, continuing to rise exponentially throughout 1997, sources say.

According to a recent report released by the U.S. Department of Agony and Suffering, even levels of pain currently considered unbearable will seem mild compared to the beyond-excruciating jolts of pain soon to be endured by Americans throughout the nation.

"Greater pain than ever is on the way," said Erno Broussard, Department of Agony and Suffering spokesperson. "Say, for example, you accidentally step on a thumbtack. In the past, that would have hurt enough to make you hop around the room smarting for several seconds, swearing at the top of your lungs. But under the new, higher pain levels, such an injury will result in a white-hot, blinding sensation of explosive force ripping through your entire body for several hours, as if you were being slowly shredded alive by the multiple razor-arms of murderous, cybernetic death-drones."

"A simple, everyday tension headache," Broussard continued, "will be like having a blunt railroad spike sledge-hammered into your forehead by a drooling, ham-fisted, idiot man-child while your wife and children are shot through the back of the neck gangland execution-style as you watch helplessly."

"A full-blown case of hemorrhoidal flare-up," Broussard noted, "will feel like a 30-megaton thermonuclear device is being detonated deep within your rectal region."

The pharmaceutical industry is mobilizing rapidly in response to the new pain levels, creating substantially more potent over-the-counter painkillers such as SuperMegaBufferin and UltraHyperMaxiMidol. The new drugs will sell for $800-900 a bottle and will be "capable of sedating a team of oxen for several weeks."

Many experts feel that such painkillers, however potent they may be, will ultimately prove ineffective.

"How could any drug possibly fight such pain?" said Pat Curtis of the National Pain Institute. "After all, we're talking about levels of pain where scraping your elbow will feel like a concussion shrapnel grenade is being set off in the center of your brain, causing your eyeballs to feel like they're melting in their sockets while your internal organs rupture into a liquefied state, bursting wetly from every orifice."

According to Pain Institute co-director Barry Eckerd, even non-painful sensations like slipping into a set of silk sheets will be akin to "having all of one's flesh sandpapered directly from the surface areas of the body that are touching the material."

Likewise, hugging a teddy bear, wiping one's closed eyes with a moistened towelette, and smelling fresh bread will evoke being quartered by red-hot iron battle-axes; having your face eaten by rats; and firing an explosive-tipped rocket dart into your sinus cavities, respectively.

Eckerd went on to point out that even listening to him speak, under the new pain levels, would cause any sane man to tear the faces of screaming puppies with his teeth.

"I wish we could say there was something we could all do to prepare for all this," noted pain therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "Some have suggested using the body's own natural endorphins to create a 'neural-block' of the brain's sensory receptors, or some other such thing. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that's simply impossible. There just isn't any hope of deliverance, for any of us. A nightmarish hellscape of unrelenting, endless agony awaits us all in the very near future."

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