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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Pajama-Clad Child Makes Turbulent Rampage Through Dinner Party

BOSTON—Noting his short outbursts of laughter as he charged across the house, sources confirmed Saturday that pajama-clad 5-year-old Lucas Mason made a turbulent rampage through a dinner party hosted by his parents. Mason, who reportedly hopped around the living room growling and stomping like a dinosaur in front of eight of his parents’ friends and coworkers, is said to have quickly circled around the coffee table several times before grabbing a handful of tortilla chips. Reports indicate that the preschooler then slipped between several of the guests, interrupting their conversation to regale them with a ranking of his favorite Transformers. Sources confirmed that the 5-year-old, who had removed his astronaut pajama top during his escapade, briefly disappeared from the social gathering, but soon returned dragging a bin full of plastic trucks, which he dumped on the floor in front of the makeshift cocktail bar and snack selection that had been set up on a buffet table. At press time, Mason had reportedly made eye contact with his parents and immediately gone into hiding under a chair in the kitchen.


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