Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Paleontologists Unearth Earliest Known Dinosaur Stickers

Paleontologists say they have discovered a previously unknown subspecies of Tyrannosaurus Rex sticker that played electric guitar.
Paleontologists say they have discovered a previously unknown subspecies of Tyrannosaurus Rex sticker that played electric guitar.

MISSOULA, MT—Calling the discovery a major breakthrough for our understanding of the past, paleontologists working onsite in central Montana announced Thursday that they have excavated the earliest known dinosaur stickers on record.

Members of the scientific community told reporters that the landmark finding could provide a rare insight into an era, many decades ago, when the prehistoric-reptilian adhesives were widespread across North America. Dr. Harold Enten, lead paleontologist on the six-month expedition, confirmed that his team found the dinosaur stickers at the bottom of a cardboard box labeled “Greg’s Bedroom,” buried beneath strata of spelling tests, math worksheets, and baseball cards from the early and mid-1970s.

“During the excavation, we discovered an unprecedented 20 intact dinosaur stickers and several more partial remains of dinosaur stickers from the same time period,” said Enten, displaying a sunglasses-wearing Plesiosaur sticker mounted on the front of a Trapper Keeper. “This is an exceptional find for us. Through careful examination of these remarkably preserved specimens, we’ve established that early Allosaurus stickers had large skulls, massive teeth, and backwards baseball caps.”

“Though it required painstaking effort, our field workers were able to reconstruct an entire Tyrannosaurus Rex sticker as well as restoring the complete word ‘Dino-myte!’ underneath,” added Enten.

According to the paleontologists, preliminary carbon dating of the specimens has prompted dramatic revisions to the previously accepted timelines of several early dinosaur stickers, suggesting that orders such as the laid-back, Hawaiian-shirt-wearing Brachiosaurus; soccer-ball-kicking theropods; and the Pterodactyl with aviator goggles and a long, flowing scarf could have first appeared as early as the summer of 1973.

In addition, the paleontologists were able to verify that the earliest known dinosaur stickers were contemporaries to the saxophone-playing crocodile sticker.

Researchers hailed the discovery as even more significant than prior historical finds, including the 1998 unearthing of a toothbrush-holding Stegosaurus traced to a New Mexico dentist’s office and the extraordinary 1987 excavation of a fully intact glow-in-the dark Diplodocus skeleton sticker.

“In our initial analysis, we found a clear evolution of Triceratops stickers from terrestrial locomotion on four legs to eventually standing fully erect upon a skateboard,” said Enten before directing attention with a pointer to a side-by-side pair of the tri-horned reptile stickers, one showing the lumbering quadruped and another from several years later in which the dinosaur had acquired bipedal capabilities as well as a helmet and knee pads. “More surprisingly, however, we see that these stunning creatures once also possessed the ability to don colorful swim trunks and balance on surfboards, oftentimes while using their primitive hands to make a ‘hang ten’ sign.”

“Further evidence even suggests the startling possibility that these beasts were the evolutionary ancestors of rollerblading woolly mammoth rub-on tattoos,” Enten added.

Based on the frequency with which they found the specimens affixed to a Yamaha keyboard, spiral notebooks, and school folders, researchers determined that the more fearsome carnivorous dinosaur stickers such as the Velociraptor and Spinosaurus appeared to flourish, while less impressive herbivorous dinosaur stickers were commonly left untouched on their original sticker sheets.

The scientists shared their most noteworthy and paradigm-shifting discovery at the conclusion of the press conference, revealing that dinosaur egg stickers were, perplexingly, just as large as adult Brontosaurus stickers.


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