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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech

Israelis and Palestinians stood together, in total harmony, and agreed the President’s speech was really silly and laughable.
Israelis and Palestinians stood together, in total harmony, and agreed the President’s speech was really silly and laughable.

JERUSALEM—Coming together for the first time in generations, Palestinian and Israeli citizens were reportedly seen gathered at the West Bank today mocking President Obama’s hopelessly naive speech proposing the possibility of a two-state solution.

According to sources, members of both sides of the longstanding conflict united in fits of laughter and sarcastic applause at what they called an “extremely impractical” and “actually pretty hilarious” address.

“Give me a fucking break,” said Palestinian citizen Hassan Tannous, 42, who, along with Israeli man Dov Eshel, rolled his eyes after Obama claimed that an independent Palestinian state is a viable and sustainable option. “The guy really thinks we’re all going to work out this centuries-old war built on generations of religious and cultural resentment because he said some nice things about both sides—what an idiot.”

“Oh God, and he really looked like he actually believed everything he was saying,” added Tannous, who peacefully joined hands with Israelis and Palestinians and came together to mock Obama’s remarks. “It really was pitiful, and sort of charming in a really simple-minded way.”

Following the address, sources said Israelis and Palestinians spent over two hours standing among one another, reportedly slapping each others’ backs and repeating their favorite parts of the American president’s gullible calls for both sides to negotiate and make hard choices about peace.

Reports also confirmed that both sides exuded a hearty laugh after one of the Israelis mimicked a portion of Obama’s speech in which he described a world where “Jews and Muslims and Christians can live in peace and prosperity in this Holy Land.”

Sources confirmed that during this time not a single mortar shell was fired and not a single innocent civilian was shot.

“I think President Abbas and I can agree that the speech was one of the silliest things we have ever heard,” said Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu, who was flanked by the Palestinian president, Mahmoud Abbas. “We have come together to announce that there is very little chance of a two-state solution and violence will probably persist, but we both strongly believe that the president was just absolutely adorable up there today.”

“And together, we can make fun of the president much more effectively than if we were apart,” he added.

Sources reported that the unity between the Israelis and Palestinians continued well into the afternoon, when, after the laughter died down and eventually gave way to silence, three suicide bombers ignited their vests and sent everyone scattering back to their sides.

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