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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Palin Unveils 9/11 Firefighter Cousin, Reformed Lesbian Niece, Naturalized Mexican Half Brother

CARBONDALE, PA—Less than two weeks after introducing to the nation her developmentally disabled newborn and her 19-year-old son preparing for military service in Iraq, Republican vice presidential nominee and conservative Christian woman Sarah Palin delivered a speech Monday flanked by three heretofore-unknown relatives, including a naturalized Mexican half brother, a formerly lesbian niece, and a New York City firefighter cousin who saved several lives during the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. "John McCain and I will take on the Washington establishment and give the government back to the people," said Palin, who several times gave the "thumbs-up" sign to her African-American coal-miner uncle seated in the audience. "We envision a better and brighter future for hardworking, selfless Americans like Ted, Anne, and Guillermo here." Palin has a campaign stop scheduled next week in Texas, where she is expected to introduce her stepsister Linda, a $35 barrel of offshore-drilled crude oil wrapped in an American flag.

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