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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Panhandler Demands Explanation For Failure To Provide Quarter

ATLANTA— Local panhandler John "Jolly Jack" Sabourin angrily insisted that pedestrian Bruce DiCostanzo explain his failure to spare 25 cents Monday. "Why not?" an indignant Sabourin asked after being turned down. "Why you don't gimme no quarter?" After explaining that he had no change on him and that he was sorry, DiCostanzo walked two blocks before realizing he'd just apologized for not handing free money to a complete stranger.

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