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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Panicked Agriculture Secretary Momentarily Forgets What Corn Is

WASHINGTON—While giving a speech Tuesday on the benefits of raising the ethanol level in gasoline to expand the lucrative biofuel industry, Secretary of Agriculture and former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack failed to remember what corn was for a harrowing 10 seconds. "In terms of profitability for our nation's growers, corn is…downright, uh, essential to…mostly all of us…farm-wise?" Vilsack said during his opening remarks to the National Grain and Feed Association. "Corn is, ah, agriculturally speaking, one of the best things Americans can make—or possibly drink—and it's obviously a thing I care a lot about personally, that's for sure." Witnesses said that, moments later, when Vilsack remembered what corn was, he overcompensated by asking everyone in attendance if they "like eating the North American cereal plant that yields large grains, or kernels, set in rows on a cob as much as [he does]."

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