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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Panicked Agriculture Secretary Momentarily Forgets What Corn Is

WASHINGTON—While giving a speech Tuesday on the benefits of raising the ethanol level in gasoline to expand the lucrative biofuel industry, Secretary of Agriculture and former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack failed to remember what corn was for a harrowing 10 seconds. "In terms of profitability for our nation's growers, corn is…downright, uh, essential to…mostly all of us…farm-wise?" Vilsack said during his opening remarks to the National Grain and Feed Association. "Corn is, ah, agriculturally speaking, one of the best things Americans can make—or possibly drink—and it's obviously a thing I care a lot about personally, that's for sure." Witnesses said that, moments later, when Vilsack remembered what corn was, he overcompensated by asking everyone in attendance if they "like eating the North American cereal plant that yields large grains, or kernels, set in rows on a cob as much as [he does]."

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