adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

The President Of Vice

GO TO FEATURE

Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention. “Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close