Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Late Night

Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention. “Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More