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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911

CHARLOTTE, NC—In the midst of performing an emergency appendectomy Thursday, panicked ER doctor Caleb Morrison dropped his surgical instruments mid-operation and dialed 911. "You've got to get over here! There's a guy lying on a table with a hole in his stomach," a frantic Morrison can be heard saying in a recording of the emergency phone call, shortly before giving his location as operating room 3 at St. Andrew's Hospital. "Please hurry! He's losing a lot of type O positive blood and his vital signs are increasingly unstable." When the 911 operator's attempts to guide the doctor through the necessary triage procedures proved unsuccessful, the deceased patient was taken to the morgue, where the forensic pathologist on duty fainted at the sight of a dead body.

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