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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Panicked Man Looking For Son Stressing Everybody Out

FORT WAYNE, IN—The commotion caused by a panicked man's frantic search for his missing son Saturday reportedly stressed out dozens of local residents trying to relax and enjoy their afternoon in Lions Park. "He's making me feel really tense," said Stacey Moore, 24, who was distracted from her People magazine when the man scoured the bushes near her blanket. "This guy is literally yelling his kid's name over and over again. I really hope he finds him soon. I'm getting so wound-up that my shoulders are starting to feel tight." According to several eyewitnesses, the sight of the man collapsing to his knees and weeping was very nerve-racking for a local resident trying to concentrate on catching a Frisbee.

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