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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test

GORHAM, ME—Shortly after his delivery Thursday at Mercy Gorham Crossing Primary Hospital, a local newborn reportedly panicked upon realizing that his respiratory aptitude would be scored as part of the upcoming Apgar test. “Woah, woah, woah—I knew reflexes and skin tone would be on this thing, but breathing? No one said anything about that,” the visibly anxious infant said of the standardized test administered by physicians immediately after birth. “I can’t believe I’m going to nail the grimace section and fucking fail breathing. I would have stayed in there longer and prepared had I known. I hate tests. I really do.” At press time, the newborn had broken down crying during the Apgar, passing it with flying colors.

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