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Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure

WASHINGTON—Mere days after sending the St. Louis Rams three first-round picks and a second-round selection in exchange for the second pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins took steps to ensure they would be able to sign Heisman Trophy–winning quarterback Robert Griffin III and sent the Rams another pair of first-round picks "just to be absolutely sure." "We have to take steps to protect the future of this organization," Redskins owner Daniel Snyder said Monday, adding that he would also consider throwing in tight end Chris Cooley, Washington’s best offensive player, and $1.4 million in cash if it helped to "make super sure" his team gets the pick. "And the way I see it, giving all our future draft picks away is the best long-term plan for the Redskins, especially since we don't have any money." As of press time, Rams officials said they had filed the paperwork to transfer the draft pick, but that having Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo "couldn't hurt the process."

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