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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Panicked Redskins Send Another Couple First-Round Picks To St. Louis Just To Make Sure

WASHINGTON—Mere days after sending the St. Louis Rams three first-round picks and a second-round selection in exchange for the second pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins took steps to ensure they would be able to sign Heisman Trophy–winning quarterback Robert Griffin III and sent the Rams another pair of first-round picks "just to be absolutely sure." "We have to take steps to protect the future of this organization," Redskins owner Daniel Snyder said Monday, adding that he would also consider throwing in tight end Chris Cooley, Washington’s best offensive player, and $1.4 million in cash if it helped to "make super sure" his team gets the pick. "And the way I see it, giving all our future draft picks away is the best long-term plan for the Redskins, especially since we don't have any money." As of press time, Rams officials said they had filed the paperwork to transfer the draft pick, but that having Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo "couldn't hurt the process."

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