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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Panicked Sabermetricians Forced To Rethink Entire Sport After Discovering They Missed At Bat From Lou Brock On August 3, 1975

PHOENIX—The entire field of sabermetrics was thrown into a frenzied panic Thursday after a previously undocumented at bat from former St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Lou Brock on August 3, 1975 forced sabermetricians to completely rethink their understanding of the sport of baseball. “So if you plug Brock’s 3-2 count and ground out into the OPS formula, the standard deviation and expected value for every single player and team is completely off—goddammit, none of this makes sense now,” said visibly anxious Society for American Baseball Research sabermetrician Tony Branham, sweating profusely as he pored over thousands of pages of statistics from the last 30 MLB seasons. “The Total Pitcher Index, Wins Above Replacement, Batter-Fielder Wins, batting averages, ERAs, RBIs—that one third-inning at bat against the Cubs makes all of this stuff meaningless. How the hell does baseball work?” At press time, based on the new understanding of sabermetrics, Braham confirmed that former New York Yankees centerfielder Mickey Mantle did not actually exist.

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