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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe

LOS ANGELES—Citing a dire need for additional reshoots, visibly panicked officials at Warner Bros. studios announced Wednesday that they had decided to delay the release of the upcoming Superman film Man Of Steel in order to get more footage of people looking up in wonder and awe. “At this time, we have alarmingly few shots of awestruck passersby looking up at the sky, squinting just a touch, and making an ‘I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now’ face, which means we have no choice but to delay Friday’s release indefinitely,” Warner Bros. president of distribution Dan Fellman told reporters, noting that filmmakers are currently rushing to finish a critical sequence in which a man in a business suit lifts his head skyward, exhibits a mesmerized expression on his face, and holds his hand to his forehead as Superman whizzes by. “We have a fair amount of scenes of fathers holding young children in their arms and pointing straight up, but even then, we’re going to need at least another six weeks of shooting in order to get more shots of cab drivers swiftly turning their heads and saying ‘Did you see that?’ or ‘Holy….!’” At press time, officials were reportedly relieved upon learning that filmmakers had completed the film’s final shot in which Superman flies straight into the camera, the screen turns black, and the credits roll.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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