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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe

LOS ANGELES—Citing a dire need for additional reshoots, visibly panicked officials at Warner Bros. studios announced Wednesday that they had decided to delay the release of the upcoming Superman film Man Of Steel in order to get more footage of people looking up in wonder and awe. “At this time, we have alarmingly few shots of awestruck passersby looking up at the sky, squinting just a touch, and making an ‘I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now’ face, which means we have no choice but to delay Friday’s release indefinitely,” Warner Bros. president of distribution Dan Fellman told reporters, noting that filmmakers are currently rushing to finish a critical sequence in which a man in a business suit lifts his head skyward, exhibits a mesmerized expression on his face, and holds his hand to his forehead as Superman whizzes by. “We have a fair amount of scenes of fathers holding young children in their arms and pointing straight up, but even then, we’re going to need at least another six weeks of shooting in order to get more shots of cab drivers swiftly turning their heads and saying ‘Did you see that?’ or ‘Holy….!’” At press time, officials were reportedly relieved upon learning that filmmakers had completed the film’s final shot in which Superman flies straight into the camera, the screen turns black, and the credits roll.

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