Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

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Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. “I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didn’t think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like that—oh God, oh God,” reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. “Honestly, I’ve infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma?” At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do “some soul-searching” and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum.

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