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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. “I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didn’t think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like that—oh God, oh God,” reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. “Honestly, I’ve infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma?” At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do “some soul-searching” and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum.

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