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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. “I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didn’t think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like that—oh God, oh God,” reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. “Honestly, I’ve infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma?” At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do “some soul-searching” and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum.

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