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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady

ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. “I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didn’t think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like that—oh God, oh God,” reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. “Honestly, I’ve infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma?” At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do “some soul-searching” and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum.

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