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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Caroming wildly around the locker room following the Super Bowl on Sunday, a panicked Marshawn Lynch reportedly informed teammates that he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate Beast Mode. “Help me, help me!” said the Seattle Seahawks running back as he stiff-armed head coach Pete Carroll and hurtled recklessly out of a stadium exit and into the parking lot. “Please, anyone, call the police! I don’t know what’s happening! This is beyond my control!” At press time, witnesses confirmed Lynch was sprinting at full speed eastward on I-95, with authorities confident that he would lose steam once he hit the Atlantic Ocean.

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