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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator

DENVER—Pressed during Wednesday night’s presidential debate to provide details of his plan to lower taxes across the board while balancing the federal budget, a visibly flustered Mitt Romney reportedly sought to extricate himself from the situation by attempting to lay off moderator Jim Lehrer. “Well, uh, tax loopholes must be closed, and as you know, um, there are many underperforming programs, and, boy—Jim, we need to have a talk,” said the Republican nominee, who, after several moments of nervous chuckling informed the 78-year-old PBS NewsHour anchor that market conditions had forced him to “make adjustments to our outlook and staffing.” “Given our business model going forward, it no longer makes sense for this debate to continue. We appreciate all you’ve contributed, and let me assure you this in no way reflects on your personal performance. But we’re moving in a new direction and I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.” Romney then wished Lehrer “the best of luck,” waiting patiently behind his lectern until the baffled moderator filed out of the University of Denver’s Magness Arena.

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