adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator

DENVER—Pressed during Wednesday night’s presidential debate to provide details of his plan to lower taxes across the board while balancing the federal budget, a visibly flustered Mitt Romney reportedly sought to extricate himself from the situation by attempting to lay off moderator Jim Lehrer. “Well, uh, tax loopholes must be closed, and as you know, um, there are many underperforming programs, and, boy—Jim, we need to have a talk,” said the Republican nominee, who, after several moments of nervous chuckling informed the 78-year-old PBS NewsHour anchor that market conditions had forced him to “make adjustments to our outlook and staffing.” “Given our business model going forward, it no longer makes sense for this debate to continue. We appreciate all you’ve contributed, and let me assure you this in no way reflects on your personal performance. But we’re moving in a new direction and I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.” Romney then wished Lehrer “the best of luck,” waiting patiently behind his lectern until the baffled moderator filed out of the University of Denver’s Magness Arena.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close