adBlockCheck

Business

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pantene Markets New Shampoo As Best For Masturbating Boyfriend In Shower

CINCINNATI—In an attempt to capture a wider share of the marketplace, the Procter & Gamble corporation launched a campaign Monday to rebrand its popular Pro-V line of shampoos as the leading hair-care product for women with dry, brittle hair who also wish to manually bring their boyfriends to climax while showering.

The affordable shampoo promises salon-quality looks and a frictionless orgasm.

"In addition to providing women with a luxuriant head of shiny, healthy hair, our new Pantene Pro-V2 line is ideal for vigorously working that special someone's member without the soreness and discomfort caused by other shampoos," spokeswoman Karen Radcliffe said. "With 20 percent more of the moisture-rich ingredients found in the original Pro-V formula, your hair will always look great, and his penis will never get dried out or chafed."

Print advertisements for the shampoo emphasize its nonslip ergonomic bottle design, as well as its availability in several different sizes. These include a travel size for conveniently masturbating one's boyfriend on romantic vacations, and bulk sizes, which according to the ads, are "perfect for that EXTRA-special man."

"If you have difficult-to-manage hair and a two-hander to contend with, Pantene Pro-V2 has got you covered," Radcliffe said.

In addition to a nationwide billboard and print campaign, a series of television commercials has begun touting the new shampoo's advanced penis-lubricating and hair-strengthening properties. One 30-second spot features a showering couple shown from the shoulders up, grunting and struggling uncomfortably while the woman strokes her boyfriend's phallus with a competing brand of shampoo. A split-screen animation then shows the shampoo's beneficial effects on both women's hair and men's genitals. The commercial ends with the couple opening a bottle of Pantene Pro-V2 together, after which steam obscures the two as the man evidently nears climax.

According to researchers at Procter & Gamble, Pantene Pro-V2 fills a consumer niche long ignored by shampoo manufacturers. Adam Jablonski, head of the team that developed the new shampoo, said many supposedly salon-quality hair products on the market fall short when it comes to providing a frictionless hand job.

"Pantene Pro-V2's hypoallergenic formula prevents the penile swelling and itching that can be caused by Herbal Essences and other shampoos with heavy botanicals," Jablonski said. "Additionally, there is none of the nasty burning sensation associated with medicated dandruff shampoos such as Head & Shoulders."

"And I hardly even need to mention the inherent difficulties of using exfoliating body scrubs with oatmeal," Jablonski added.

Consumer response toward the new shampoo has been positive in the 18-to-34-year-old female demographic at which the advertising is targeted. Jen Sandford, a 22-year-old student at Tulane University, said that Pantene Pro-V2 is now her shampoo of choice.

"I even bought the extra-soft companion chamois," Sandford said. "Jerking [boyfriend] Doug [O'Brien] off every single morning using L'Oréal conditioner used to be such a chore. But with this new Pantene, Doug's back to sleep and I'm off to class and looking great in no time."

More from this section

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close