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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Russ Bakke, 37, unsuccessfully attempted to pull an unnamed female across a nightclub dance floor Saturday with a pantomimed lasso motion. "After making eye contact with the young lady and giving her a seductive smile, I attempted to rope her in with my invisible lasso of love," Bakke said. "But for some reason, when I threw the lasso toward her and mimicked a pulling motion, she was not drawn my way." Subsequent attempts to capture the woman with a pantomimed fishing rod and butterfly net also met with failure.

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