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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Russ Bakke, 37, unsuccessfully attempted to pull an unnamed female across a nightclub dance floor Saturday with a pantomimed lasso motion. "After making eye contact with the young lady and giving her a seductive smile, I attempted to rope her in with my invisible lasso of love," Bakke said. "But for some reason, when I threw the lasso toward her and mimicked a pulling motion, she was not drawn my way." Subsequent attempts to capture the woman with a pantomimed fishing rod and butterfly net also met with failure.

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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