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Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

Obama poses for a photo with visiting alternate world leaders, including Master Command Droid Barack O-3, Supreme Leader Dukakis, and some 1,500 single-celled dignitaries.
Obama poses for a photo with visiting alternate world leaders, including Master Command Droid Barack O-3, Supreme Leader Dukakis, and some 1,500 single-celled dignitaries.

WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.

Organizers confirmed President Obama has greeted heads of state from more than 2,000 alternative realities, a gathering of leaders that includes 139 different versions of himself, a parallel U.S. president Mitt Romney, a pulsing being of pure electrostatic energy, Earth-7491’s King Lyndon B. Johnson IV, and a hooded group of unspeaking figures known only as “the Council.”

The annual talks are expected to focus once again on brokering trade agreements among the parallel worlds, as well as officially admitting the governments of Neo-Pangea and the Corporate States of America, LLC into the group, and confronting the Roman Empire’s continued tyranny across much of the infinite set of possible world histories.

The Washington summit marks the third annual interdimensional gathering of parallel world leaders, following last year’s summit in Stalingrad and the 2014 summit held in a boundless expanse of undifferentiated grayness.

“Though we hail from vastly different cultures, political systems, and laws of physics, today we gather together to address the most pressing challenges of the multiverse head-on,” said Supreme Leader Michael Dukakis, president for life of the Pan-American People’s Republic, giving the summit’s opening address. “We must work together to fight the spread of hyperspatial neuro-pox, address the plight of refugees fleeing those universes that are rapidly contracting to a single point, and find ways to manage our respective Israeli-Palestinian conflicts.”

Dukakis later added, “I’d like to extend a special hello to those joining us by video conference, an accommodation we’ve provided to those distinguished leaders who could not be here in person because they cannot exist in fewer than 27 dimensions.”

According to sources, the tensest moment of the talks so far came about when a conjoined symbiotic entity composed of three Chancellor Angela Merkels arose and called for severing diplomatic relations with Earth-214X1, whose lengthy list of human rights abuses allegedly includes institutional discrimination and often brutal violence against left-handed peoples. The proposal reportedly led to heated debate among the delegates, with several representatives storming out of the proceedings either in protest or to be resupplied with life-sustaining strontium.

In a smaller breakout session held later in the day, however, representatives from Adams, D.C. reportedly achieved a major diplomatic victory after convincing recalcitrant delegates from New Tehran to submit to periodic third-party inspections of their telepathic weapons program.

On the agenda for later this week, high-ranking officials will discuss the future of the General Treaty of the Known Cosmological Expanse, which has been in effect since interdimensional standard year 10,494,385, but in recent eons has been violated repeatedly by the sentient bubbles of probability that inhabit Earth-4201(i2). Sources said the assembled leaders may vote as early as Saturday on whether to impose Bayesian statistical sanctions on the beings.

“The worlds represented here have engaged in their fair share of feuds in the past, between different ethnic groups, within the various digitized clone populations, and, of course, along mammal-reptile lines,” said a fetal diplomat known only as Riley from within his computer-controlled amniotic mech-sac. “But we always seem to find common ground. Most recently, we worked together to liberate millions from beneath the draconian boot heel of the Swiss.”

The Washington summit marks the third annual interdimensional gathering of parallel world leaders, following last year’s summit in Stalingrad and the 2014 summit held in a boundless expanse of undifferentiated grayness.

The key moment of the proceedings is likely to arrive tomorrow, according to experts, when President Obama is scheduled to come face-to-face with the 18-foot-tall half-human, half-prawn Galactic Overlord Obama. Political analysts have stated that if the president offers to shake one of the 26 hands of his crustaceanoid counterpart, it could signal a willingness to negotiate, but he may well avoid the handshake, fearing the gesture could be mistakenly interpreted as a sign that he tacitly accepts the overlord’s trafficking in mind-slaves from the Hyades cluster.

A number of experts, however, have criticized the summit, arguing that it brings together only representatives from the largest superpower universes and neglects the innumerable other realities of the broader multiverse, providing little more than a photo op for those members of the elite group who appear in the visible spectrum.

“The interdimensional summit has been accused of failing to address the most pervasive problems in the totality of existence, and that’s a fair criticism,” said 21st-term U.S. president Franklin D. Roosevelt. “I agree that we’ve come up short on many important issues. Honestly, I’m just hoping this time around we finally find the collective will to stand up to Vladimir Putin.”

“Especially before he evolves from his larval form into a far more dangerous full-grown adult,” he added.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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