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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to Somerville-area home-video rental consumer Nathan DeGaetano, 36. Said Rubin, "I know I speak for everyone here at Paramount Pictures when I say that we are pleased to present this terrific Paramount Home Video release starring Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold to Mr. DeGaetano." Paramount will personally convey this sentiment to DeGaetano with a colorful, computer-generated image of a mountain and a professionally pre-recorded message immediately preceding the feature presentation.

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