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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Paramount Hoping Overseas Market Will Be Dumb Enough To Embrace Latest Piece Of Shit

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Weeks after the irredeemably insipid film underperformed domestically, executives at Paramount Pictures said Friday they were cautiously optimistic that audiences overseas would be stupid enough to buy tickets to their latest big-budget piece of shit. “Those dumbasses over there will go see this crap, right?” said Steve Siskind, the studio’s executive vice president for worldwide marketing, who predicted “the dipshits in Asia or somewhere” could be counted on to boost box-office receipts for the fucking unbearable $200 million production. “Transformers 3 was huge in China, so why wouldn’t those morons go apeshit over this movie, too? It has tons of CGI, not to mention a car flying through a helicopter and landing on the roof of a building. Plus, there’s no real story to follow, so language barriers shouldn’t be a problem.” Siskind added that to be on the safe side, Paramount was recutting the film with an additional 45 seconds of nudity to “bring a few more dopes into the theaters” in Eastern Europe.

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