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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Paranoid Kicker Thinks Team Purposely Scored Touchdown So He Couldn't Mess Up Field Goal

HOUSTON—Texans team sources said placekicker Kris Brown exhibited signs of paranoia Monday when the 31-year-old repeatedly insisted that his team had scored a last-second go-ahead touchdown against the Dolphins to avoid letting him screw up a field goal attempt. "There wasn't much time left in the game, we were trailing, it was only three yards out, and I had already warmed up by kicking the ball into my net many times," said Brown, adding that he has always felt that the Texans do not trust, respect, or like him. "That's a classic game-winning field goal situation, so I told Coach I was ready to go. But he just shook his head, put his clipboard in front of his face, mumbled something into his headset, and had Matt Schaub run it in for the win. That's just callous." Head coach Gary Kubiak was unable to console Brown despite pointing out that the team had been losing by five points and that field goals, although very good things, only count for three.

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