adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Paranoid Kicker Thinks Team Purposely Scored Touchdown So He Couldn't Mess Up Field Goal

HOUSTON—Texans team sources said placekicker Kris Brown exhibited signs of paranoia Monday when the 31-year-old repeatedly insisted that his team had scored a last-second go-ahead touchdown against the Dolphins to avoid letting him screw up a field goal attempt. "There wasn't much time left in the game, we were trailing, it was only three yards out, and I had already warmed up by kicking the ball into my net many times," said Brown, adding that he has always felt that the Texans do not trust, respect, or like him. "That's a classic game-winning field goal situation, so I told Coach I was ready to go. But he just shook his head, put his clipboard in front of his face, mumbled something into his headset, and had Matt Schaub run it in for the win. That's just callous." Head coach Gary Kubiak was unable to console Brown despite pointing out that the team had been losing by five points and that field goals, although very good things, only count for three.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close