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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday that the burglar who invaded his home on the night of his girlfriend’s death is still out there and determined to come after him. “The burglar is always watching and waiting, and he won’t stop until he gets me,” a visibly tense Pistorius reportedly whispered from behind the defendant’s table, his eyes darting all around as he scanned the courtroom for the unnamed intruder who has not been seen since allegedly breaking into Pistorius’ home the night the paraplegic track and field star shot and killed Reeva Steenkamp. “I’m telling you, he could be here right now, and all he wants to do is steal from me. I’ll never be safe, never. Not unless…not unless I get to him first.” At press time, Pistorius was frantically reaching for the bailiff’s pistol after having spotted dozens of burglars sitting in the courtroom gallery.

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