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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him

DAMASCUS—Describing an extensive conspiracy that supposedly reaches the highest corridors of power, a paranoid Syrian man told reporters Tuesday he believes the government is out to get him. “I’m telling you, they’re monitoring everything we do, and their goal is to eliminate anyone and everyone who stands in their way,” said wide-eyed conspiracy theorist Naji Hamed Yussif, 32, who peeked out his window blinds while explaining his belief that the government now controls the media and is actively working to shut down the activities of “the opposition.” “We’re talking about powerful individuals who wouldn’t hesitate to send in their thugs, round us all up, and exterminate us like rats. And don’t try to tell me the president’s not in on it—this thing goes all the way to the top.” At press time, Yussif could not be reached for further comment.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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