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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Paranormal Expert Bores Son With Ghost Story

FORT COLLINS, CO—During a father-and-son camping trip Sunday, paranormal investigator Fletcher Jensen subjected 14-year-old Jeremy Jensen to yet another account of unexplained apparitions and manifestations. "Although we could not observe verifiable poltergeist activity, the family's accounts of the incidents were quite indicative of a classic manifestation experience, and I did register what could be called unusual electronic disturbances," said Jensen, as he held a flashlight up to his face. "We were not fortunate enough to collect any actual ectoplasm, but some of the static on the videotape seems to include promising quasi-visagal images and, in my opinion, bears further interpretation." Jeremy later said that, as boring as his father's ghost stories are, they are preferable to his heart-to-heart talks about girls with his mother, a professional sex therapist.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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