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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Paranormal Expert Bores Son With Ghost Story

FORT COLLINS, CO—During a father-and-son camping trip Sunday, paranormal investigator Fletcher Jensen subjected 14-year-old Jeremy Jensen to yet another account of unexplained apparitions and manifestations. "Although we could not observe verifiable poltergeist activity, the family's accounts of the incidents were quite indicative of a classic manifestation experience, and I did register what could be called unusual electronic disturbances," said Jensen, as he held a flashlight up to his face. "We were not fortunate enough to collect any actual ectoplasm, but some of the static on the videotape seems to include promising quasi-visagal images and, in my opinion, bears further interpretation." Jeremy later said that, as boring as his father's ghost stories are, they are preferable to his heart-to-heart talks about girls with his mother, a professional sex therapist.

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