How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Parasite Regrets Choosing Adam Carolla As Host

LOS ANGELES—Just two weeks after settling on Adam Carolla as its next host, a Los Angeles–area hookworm whose lifecycle depends on the performance of the comic personality's digestive system said it is beginning to question Carolla's ability to stay fresh and produce consistent, quality nutrients on a daily basis.

Necator americanus

"It doesn't take much to be a decent host—you just have to sit there, generate a couple cell lines every few minutes, and let me systematically tunnel my way through your internal organs," said the Necator americanus hookworm, a 10-millimeter-long nematode parasite of the Ancylostomatidae family, from Carolla's small intestine Tuesday.

"I've been trying to suck the life out of Adam, but it's difficult when there's absolutely no life to work with," it added.

The hookworm first came into contact with Carolla during his morning radio program, while Carolla was handling human fecal matter as part of a popular recurring segment on his show. The parasite immediately introduced itself into Carolla's bloodstream, and underwent a weeklong "feeling-out process" in order to familiarize itself with Carolla's circulatory system. In the following days, reports began to surface that the hookworm had officially attached itself to Carolla's intestinal wall for the remainder of its project.


"At the time, Adam seemed like a perfect fit," the hookworm said. "All I was looking for was some new blood—a personality that I could immediately latch onto, someone with a lot of energy that I can really feed off of."

"Also, I figured that, with Carolla, my telltale symptoms—low-order cognitive impairment, a calloused rash on the palm of his right hand where I penetrated the skin, and mild itching and irritation of the anus—would go virtually unnoticed," it added.

Yet the hookworm would soon express regret for choosing the "first host [it] found," wishing that it had followed its original plan of overseeing a long and more thorough selection process.

According to the hookworm, nearly everything that crosses Carolla's lips is either bland, disgusting, or completely and utterly tasteless.

<h3>"I never thought I would say this, but after having to interact with Adam Carolla for two months, I long for the days when I was living in human shit."</h3> <p>&#8211; Necator americanus</p>

"His bodily instincts are way off, he has no idea how to keep the juices flowing smoothly in his digestive tract, and even his best cell material is weak," said the hookworm, who was warned by a tapeworm that tried out Carolla as a host from 2002 to 2003 that he is "an acquired taste."

"His timing and delivery of antigens seem forced and almost totally random, and he never reacts to any of the simple metabolic waste products I'm constantly feeding him. And they're good, solid metabolic waste products, too," it said.

The hookworm also assailed Carolla's "predictable" routine.

"Every time I burrow a hole through his stomach lining, I can sense the same tired, worn-out immune-system response coming from a mile away," said the parasite, who was similarly critical of Carolla's inability to endure three or four hours of host duties "without just falling flat on his face."

"I never thought I would say this, but after having to interact with Adam Carolla for two months, I long for the days when I was living in human shit," it said.

The parasite, however, hinted that Carolla would likely "not last very long" as a host, noting that it had perforated Carolla's lungs, blocked blood flow to his liver, triggered a massive iron deficiency, depressed his immune system, and destroyed blood cells at such a rapid rate that Carolla is beginning to display early symptoms of aplastic anemia.

"I think it's safe to say that he'll be gone by December," the hookworm said.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close