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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things

MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment, insiders reported Monday. "They just got set up with Susan, so now they're hanging out, getting a feel for what she likes to eat and when," Dr. Matthew Hyam said. "Soon, they'll jibe with Susan's taste for Indian food and come to expect her late-night Chunky Monkey binges, but for now, they're just gorging themselves while they learn what makes their new host tick." Hyam explained that the parasites may need a 10-week "getting to know Susan" period before beginning to release their full capacity of 50,000 eggs per day into her small intestine.

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