Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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‘Parent Trap’ Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming

LOS ANGELES—Calling it one of the most challenging aspects of creating the beloved family comedy, producers of 1998’s The Parent Trap recalled Wednesday the harrowing experience of euthanizing their Lindsay Lohan clone after the completion of filming. “We decided to just get it over with as quickly as possible, so as soon as shooting wrapped, we told her there was a pizza party for her behind the set on the soundstage,” said producer Charles Shyer, acknowledging that crew members instead seized the Lohan clone, strapped her to a chair, and used an IV to deliver a cocktail of lethal drugs into her bloodstream. “It was kind of heartbreaking hearing the Lohan clone talk about how excited she was for the movie to come out and how she wanted to grow up to be a famous actress, but at least we used a better poison than the one they used on the Hayley Mills clone after the original 1961 Parent Trap, which apparently took hours to finally work.” Shyer admitted that the already disturbing experience became even more traumatic when the actual Lindsay Lohan stumbled upon her clone being cremated in the back lot.

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