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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Parents Also Proud Of Unsuccessful Child

VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child Monday that they are proud of him, as well. "Jonathan, you may not be accomplished, impressive and destined for great things like your sister, but we love you, too," Helen told her undistinguished son Jonathan, 24, who dropped out of community college in 1994 and has done nothing with his life since. "You are not a huge disappointment in our eyes." The proud parents also praised their son's third-shift truckstop-waitress girlfriend as "very nice."

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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