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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Parents Also Proud Of Unsuccessful Child

VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child Monday that they are proud of him, as well. "Jonathan, you may not be accomplished, impressive and destined for great things like your sister, but we love you, too," Helen told her undistinguished son Jonathan, 24, who dropped out of community college in 1994 and has done nothing with his life since. "You are not a huge disappointment in our eyes." The proud parents also praised their son's third-shift truckstop-waitress girlfriend as "very nice."

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