adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Parents Also Proud Of Unsuccessful Child

VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child Monday that they are proud of him, as well. "Jonathan, you may not be accomplished, impressive and destined for great things like your sister, but we love you, too," Helen told her undistinguished son Jonathan, 24, who dropped out of community college in 1994 and has done nothing with his life since. "You are not a huge disappointment in our eyes." The proud parents also praised their son's third-shift truckstop-waitress girlfriend as "very nice."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close