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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Parents Also Proud Of Unsuccessful Child

VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child Monday that they are proud of him, as well. "Jonathan, you may not be accomplished, impressive and destined for great things like your sister, but we love you, too," Helen told her undistinguished son Jonathan, 24, who dropped out of community college in 1994 and has done nothing with his life since. "You are not a huge disappointment in our eyes." The proud parents also praised their son's third-shift truckstop-waitress girlfriend as "very nice."

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