adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Parents Assure Scared Child There’s No Such Thing As Skip Bayless

EVERETT, WA—In an effort to comfort the weeping, hysterical child, local parents Rick and Bridget Sears assured their scared 5-year-old son Caleb that there was no such thing as Skip Bayless, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Honey, relax—I know he’s scary, but Skip Bayless is just something on TV and isn’t real,” said mother Bridget Sears while the boy’s father admonished their older son for leaving the television on FS1’s Undisputed when he knew how terrifying Bayless could seem to young children. “I’m sure your friends all told you he exists, but Skip Bayless is just a fake character created to frighten people. He’s not hiding anywhere waiting to yell at you. I promise.” At press time, Caleb’s older brother was reportedly telling the 5-year-old that if he said the TV commentator’s name three times out loud, Skip Bayless would appear and take him.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close