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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework

BEDFORD, NY—Parents of 5-year-old Haylee Risser reportedly sat around their dinner table stumped Monday night, unable to recall enough colors to help their daughter with a homework assignment from her first day of kindergarten. "I definitely remember red and yellow, but when she started getting into that brown and green stuff, that's where I'm lost," said Deborah Risser, 36, who admitted that shoelaces and days of the week were always more her forte. "It's one of those things they drill into you in kindergarten, and then you never use it again. When the hell am I going to need to know purple, anyway?" At the suggestion of her increasingly frustrated husband, Risser picked up the phone to call her older brother, who sources confirmed is "great at colors."

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