adBlockCheck

Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework

BEDFORD, NY—Parents of 5-year-old Haylee Risser reportedly sat around their dinner table stumped Monday night, unable to recall enough colors to help their daughter with a homework assignment from her first day of kindergarten. "I definitely remember red and yellow, but when she started getting into that brown and green stuff, that's where I'm lost," said Deborah Risser, 36, who admitted that shoelaces and days of the week were always more her forte. "It's one of those things they drill into you in kindergarten, and then you never use it again. When the hell am I going to need to know purple, anyway?" At the suggestion of her increasingly frustrated husband, Risser picked up the phone to call her older brother, who sources confirmed is "great at colors."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close