After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Parents Drop Fake Treating-You-Like-An-Adult Act Half-Hour Into Visit

DALLAS—Scarcely 30 minutes into his recent visit to his hometown, 26-year-old Robert Feldman's parents Paul and Sharon had dropped the facade of treating him like a full-grown adult and begun to interact with him as if he were at least a decade younger, sources confirmed Saturday. "For the first half-hour of the drive home, it was like we had a healthy, mature relationship in which they viewed me as an actual grown-up with a career and responsibilities, but before I knew it, they were talking about me as if I weren't there, and refusing to let me turn up the radio," said Feldman, who for a short time had managed to convince himself his parents were granting him the same respect they would show to any other human being his age. "From the way we'd been talking about my new job, I really thought I'd made a breakthrough, but the second we got home, my mom was making me a tuna sandwich I didn't want, and somehow I found myself having to get permission from my dad to go out later." At press time, Feldman's father had reportedly offered him a beer and his mother had silently judged him for accepting it.

After Birth

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