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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son PlayStation 1

KENOSHA, WI—Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel. “It has some violent games I still don’t approve of, but I know it’s something Daniel really wanted, so we finally figured, ‘Why not?’” Melissa Gionda said shortly after purchasing a bundle package containing the PlayStation console, a 1-megabyte memory card, and copies of Crash Bandicoot, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, and Spyro The Dragon for the 2002 college graduate and digital marketing analyst. “We’ve always felt that video games would have been a huge distraction from his schoolwork and first four jobs after college, but Daniel has been patient and waited long enough to get a PlayStation. As long as he doesn’t sit around all day in front of the TV, it’ll be fine. And we got him an extra controller, too, so he can play it with his friends or his son Mark.” Despite buying the video game system, the Giondas confirmed that they still refuse to buy the 33-year-old a copy of the 1992 Megadeth album Countdown To Extinction.

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