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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11

MIAMI—Having long shielded him from discussion and depictions of the traumatic event, local couple Brad and Jeannine Musgrave told reporters Friday that the moment had come to tell their 2-year-old son Connor about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. “Connor’s almost 26 months old now, so we decided it was about time to finally sit him down and explain exactly what happened on 9/11,” said Brad Musgrave, after giving his toddler a detailed, half-hour description of the four hijackings, the collapse of the Twin Towers, and the deaths of nearly 3,000 Americans. “We just couldn’t tiptoe around the subject any longer. At some point he was going to learn that there are evil men in this world who will stop at nothing to kill innocent people, including me, his mother, and him, if they have the chance. And we felt it was best he hear it from us now before it comes up at preschool.” Since child-development experts say Connor’s long-term memory pathways are still forming, the Musgraves plan to repeat their explanation at least once a week for the next four years.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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