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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11

MIAMI—Having long shielded him from discussion and depictions of the traumatic event, local couple Brad and Jeannine Musgrave told reporters Friday that the moment had come to tell their 2-year-old son Connor about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. “Connor’s almost 26 months old now, so we decided it was about time to finally sit him down and explain exactly what happened on 9/11,” said Brad Musgrave, after giving his toddler a detailed, half-hour description of the four hijackings, the collapse of the Twin Towers, and the deaths of nearly 3,000 Americans. “We just couldn’t tiptoe around the subject any longer. At some point he was going to learn that there are evil men in this world who will stop at nothing to kill innocent people, including me, his mother, and him, if they have the chance. And we felt it was best he hear it from us now before it comes up at preschool.” Since child-development experts say Connor’s long-term memory pathways are still forming, the Musgraves plan to repeat their explanation at least once a week for the next four years.

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