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Food

FDA Approves New Pasta Shape

WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis and numerous rounds of human trials, the Food and Drug Administration officially announced Thursday the approval of a new pasta shape.

Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days

DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now. “As soon as I got there, they said I must be hungry after my trip, and they brought out a bowl of these puffed-up things that look like pea pods—I had no idea what they were,” said Randall, who noted that after he questioned what the snack was, his mother eagerly explained how the couple recently discovered it while shopping at Aldi and then offered extended praise of the snack’s healthiness as well as its “really nice flavor.” “They both seem to love the things. Dad had a bag of them sitting on his work desk next to his computer, and Mom apparently takes a Ziploc baggie with her in her purse when she has to run errands. And when I was leaving, they insisted I take a bag back with me, so I’ve got some now. They’re okay.” Randall added that his parents explained they had entirely stopped eating the naan chips they were into last year because they were “too oily.”

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