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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Parents Legally Change 9-Year-Old's Name To Better Reflect Current Pop Culture

EVANSVILLE, IN—Stating that it was fine, but not as contemporary as their daughter deserved, the parents of nine-year-old Britney Patterson have decided to legally change her name to something more in keeping with the times. "Britney just seems a little bit old-fashioned is all," mother Heather Patterson said. "We want our little girl to have all the advantages a name like Miley, or maybe Hannah, would give her." In addition to the name change, the Pattersons announced Monday that they were expecting their first son in July, tentatively named Twitter Efron Jonas.

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