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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
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Parents Of Adorable Baby On TV Show Most Likely Insane

NEW YORK—According to widespread sources, the parents of the adorable baby appearing on screen in a popular television comedy right now are, in all likelihood, completely insane and unfit to care for a child. “When you’re watching it, your first thought is what a cute kid this is, and then your second thought is, holy shit, they must have taken this baby to several rounds of long ‘auditions,’ whatever that means for a baby, instead of letting it sleep in a crib for hours like a normal, well-adjusted infant,” said viewer Brenda Ortiz, 33, adding that it seemed safe to assume the child’s parents would have to be mentally unstable to, first of all, get an agent for their baby, and second, put an innocent human being who has only been alive for a few months through weeks of callbacks and screen tests. “I would imagine these parents probably aren’t capable of taking care of themselves, let alone a 6-month-old whose well-being they’ve happily entrusted to an overworked TV crew.” At press time, viewers were trying to just enjoy the show and ignore the fact that this baby’s parents were most likely blowing the earnings from their child’s television appearance on a lavish Caribbean cruise at the expense of a college fund.

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