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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't Be More Proud, Sick Of Son

OAK PARK, IL—Parents of Obama '08 campaign volunteer Mark Lowe said their son's selfless work for the Illinois senator has shown the 22-year-old to be mature, civic-minded, and absolutely unbearable to talk to. "I remember when I was going to vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary, and [Mark] spoke for 30 minutes about how Obama is the next Kennedy, the only candidate capable of bringing real change, and how Hillary embodies everything that's wrong with Washington," David Lowe, 58, said. "It's incredible that he's so passionate about our nation's future, and now he really needs to shut the hell up." Lowe, who spends up to 40 hours a week sending e-mails, making phone calls, and engaging complete strangers in drawn-out discussions about Obama's message of hope as he canvasses door-to-door, is expected to cost the Democratic nominee some 15,000 votes.

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