Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away

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Vol 34 Issue 06

Saltless Pretzel Hangs Alone In Bulb-Heated Rack

ODESSA, TX–A saltless "Superpretzel" is still hanging alone in a bulb-heated rack at Horizon Lanes, officials for the Odessa-area bowling alley reported Tuesday. "Looks like there's just one left," said Mack Klausner, snack-bar manager for the 12-lane alley. "Guess nobody wants the one without salt." The oversized soft pretzel, priced at 99 cents, has been rotating in the glass-enclosed case since Sept. 2, when it was sprayed with water and dipped in salt along with 17 other pretzels. "All the salt fell off," Klausner said. "Maybe we should put some more on.

Subsidiary Publication Recommends You See Parent Corporation's Movie

NEW YORK–In its latest issue, People magazine, a Time Warner subsidiary publication, strongly urged readers to see Deadlock, a new Warner Bros. legal thriller starring Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and Elisabeth Shue. "Our parent corporation has cooked up an edge-of-your-seat courtroom nail-biter that manages to out-Grisham Grisham," People's review read. "We are proud to be under the same umbrella conglomerate as this gripping roller-coaster ride of a movie." The issue, which features Washington on its cover, also contains reviews of six new albums from Time Warner subsidiary-label artists, including Better Than Ezra (Elektra) and Hootie & The Blowfish (Atlantic), as well as a profile of Katie Holmes, star of WB's Dawson's Creek.

Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex, he's always really sweet to me, and he, like, tells me my hair looks nice and stuff. And if I'm upset about something, he listens and tells me that he loves me and that everything's going to be all right," Hodges said. "But then, afterwards, he stops listening to me, and he screams at me and says he's going to break up with me if I don't stop being so clingy and annoying." Hodges has vowed to make an effort to be less clingy and annoying.

Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor-sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered.

Beanie Broker Urges Storkholders To Sell

NEW YORK–Anxious over wildly fluctuating conditions in the worldwide Beanie market, Manhattan-based Beanie broker Michelle Pivarnik is strongly urging U.S. storkholders to sell off holdings of "Storky The Stork" as soon as possible, it was reported Tuesday. "It is my opinion that Storky, which rose 40 cents on the Beanie Board Monday to close at $85 with the tags, has reached its peak value, and that a stork-market crash is all but imminent," Pivarnik said. "Beanie investors with a stork portfolio of five or more Storkys may want to consider keeping one in case of its unexpected retirement, but, by and large, Storky should be regarded as a high-risk Beanie to be avoided in future tradings." Pivarnik advised storkholders to redirect their assets into blue-chip Beanies like Tabasco The Red Bull, Baldy The Eagle and Inky The Octopus.

We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.
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Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away

GLENDALE, AZ–Last week's suicide of Glendale 16-year-old Adrian Lucas came as no surprise to his parents, who "saw it coming a mile away," according to a statement made by the couple Tuesday.

Adrian Lucas

"I wish I could say this came as a huge shock to us, but it really didn't," said Roberta Lucas, who on Sept. 4 came home from work to find her son dead on the living-room floor with a gunshot wound to the left temple. "All the warning signs were there."

Jim Lucas, 47, said he had sensed for months that his son was seriously contemplating suicide.

"Adrian was profoundly depressed and had lost all self-confidence and self-esteem," he told reporters. "He was convinced that nobody in the world loved him at all, or even cared if he lived or died. He'd frequently call himself names like 'shithead' and 'worthless,' and he was always telling us how we'd be better off without him. It was a textbook case."

Roberta Lucas agreed. "He was constantly saying things like, 'I guess that was my last time at the mall,' and, 'Pretty soon, you guys won't ever have to worry about my room being messy again,'" she said. "You'd have to be braindead not to notice."

A Glendale High School honor student who actively participated in a wide range of extracurricular activities, Adrian had, according to his parents, lost interest in school in the months leading up to his death, frequently failing to show up for class and quitting the track team. Normally an "A" student, the teenager stopped doing his homework and began failing tests. He also quit his part-time job at the local hardware store.

Jim and Roberta Lucas, with a picture of their son Adrian.

"That's not like him at all," Roberta said. "And, on top of everything else, he wasn't sleeping or eating. You could just tell he was going to kill himself."

According to Jim Lucas, in the weeks leading up to Adrian's suicide, the teen grew increasingly despondent and self-destructive. "He kept scratching himself back and forth on his wrists, saying, 'This way to the hospital, this way to the morgue,'" he said. "At least once a day, he'd mention that slitting your wrists in a warm bathtub is supposed to feel just like going to sleep. Those last few days, I heard it from him so many times, I practically wanted to slit my own wrists."

Like his parents, Adrian's friends were not stunned by his suicide. "He gave me all his CDs, and he said I could have his stereo, too, if I wanted it," said Justin Scola, 16, who had been friends with Adrian since the first grade. "It doesn't take a psychologist to figure out what the deal was there."

Pete Ziegler, 16, whom Adrian gave a $350 Prince tennis racket, a Panasonic four-head VCR and 11 Sony Playstation games, said it was "only a matter of time" before his friend committed suicide.

"You just knew it was coming," Ziegler said. "I was pretty broken up about it in some ways, but, on the other hand, I was seriously psyched about all the awesome shit he gave me."

Roberta Lucas summed up the feelings of all who knew her son.

"We loved Adrian, but we've got to move on with our lives," she said. "He's gone, and there's nothing we can do to change that."

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