adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL
account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their
password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the
parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?"
Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close