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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Parents Really Enjoying Cruise

HAMTRAMCK, MI—According to a phone call made to their daughter Monday afternoon, Glen and Margery Bennings, 62, are really enjoying their Carnival Cruise thus far. "We've pretty much just stayed on the boat the whole time because there's lots to do and plenty to eat," said Bennings, adding that while she and her husband were playing the slot machines in the casino the previous night, they met a couple of nice Yemeni tourists who seemed "dumbfounded" by everything the ship had to offer. "Gotta go! They're getting us all up to dance the Macarena!" At press time, the Bennings had not been heard from but were assumed to be enjoying themselves immensely.

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