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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Parents Really Enjoying Cruise

HAMTRAMCK, MI—According to a phone call made to their daughter Monday afternoon, Glen and Margery Bennings, 62, are really enjoying their Carnival Cruise thus far. "We've pretty much just stayed on the boat the whole time because there's lots to do and plenty to eat," said Bennings, adding that while she and her husband were playing the slot machines in the casino the previous night, they met a couple of nice Yemeni tourists who seemed "dumbfounded" by everything the ship had to offer. "Gotta go! They're getting us all up to dance the Macarena!" At press time, the Bennings had not been heard from but were assumed to be enjoying themselves immensely.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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