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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Parents Regret Letting Child Name Dog

MANKATO, MN—Bruce and Gail Kreuter expressed regret Monday over their decision to let their 8-year-old son Brian choose the name of the family's new cocker spaniel, Hitmontop. "He named the damn thing after his favorite Pokémon," Bruce said. "What's more, apparently, Hitmontop isn't even a dog Pokémon: It's some cartoon guy who kicks people." Gail said she should have seen this coming when Brian named his goldfish Garlic Junior.

After Birth

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