Dating and Relationships

Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date

PORTLAND, OR—Saying that he wants to provide a unique, enjoyable listening experience that draws from all periods of his life, area man Ian Watts told reporters Wednesday that he has been tinkering with his set list of anecdotes ahead of an upcoming...
End Of Section
  • More News

Dating and Relationships

Parents Reminisce To Children About Dating Algorithm That Brought Them Together

TOLEDO, OH—Recalling the excitement of seeing that initial automatically generated email alerting them to a potential relationship match, local couple Paul and Kelly Silva reminisced to their children about the dating website algorithm that first brought them together, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Your dad and I were both so carefree and idealistic back then, which a series of mathematical formulas immediately recognized based on specific keywords from our proprietary questionnaires,” Kelly Silva said as she cozied up next to her husband, smiling at the memory of one particular Saturday afternoon when a remote server analyzed a fixed set of variables in their profiles, detected a high level of uniformity, and outputted the calculation that they were 89 percent compatible. “As soon as I saw your dad’s smiling .jpeg thumbnail alongside the avatars of five other software-selected matches, I knew several lines of computer code had detected something really special between us.” Despite their immediate algorithm-facilitated attraction, the pair confirmed that it took several weeks before either of them had the courage to send the other a heart-shaped emoticon.

Dating and Relationships

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.