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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Parents Reminisce To Children About Dating Algorithm That Brought Them Together

TOLEDO, OH—Recalling the excitement of seeing that initial automatically generated email alerting them to a potential relationship match, local couple Paul and Kelly Silva reminisced to their children about the dating website algorithm that first brought them together, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Your dad and I were both so carefree and idealistic back then, which a series of mathematical formulas immediately recognized based on specific keywords from our proprietary questionnaires,” Kelly Silva said as she cozied up next to her husband, smiling at the memory of one particular Saturday afternoon when a remote server analyzed a fixed set of variables in their profiles, detected a high level of uniformity, and outputted the calculation that they were 89 percent compatible. “As soon as I saw your dad’s smiling .jpeg thumbnail alongside the avatars of five other software-selected matches, I knew several lines of computer code had detected something really special between us.” Despite their immediate algorithm-facilitated attraction, the pair confirmed that it took several weeks before either of them had the courage to send the other a heart-shaped emoticon.

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